delicious golden waffles

“What everyone’s really afraid of is that they can’t go home again.”

She looked around then, eyes darting like she was scouting out the Starbucks, making sure no spies could find out about her discovery.

“You know?” she continued, finally assured that no one would overhear. “It’s what every children’s book is about, really - at least the ones that still matter when the kids who read them grow up. Everybody’s terrified that one day they’ll wake up and the places they loved as children will be gone, or even just different, and then they’ll have to admit that they’ve grown up and that the world has changed and that it will never, ever change back.”

And then I said that I remembered the exact moment when I grew up, and that I’ve had nothing but nightmares since. That I hadn’t known what it was to be afraid until that afternoon, and then in an instant I learned fear and kept it, a ghost next to my heart. As soon as I spoke I wondered if I meant it: if I really believed that growing up meant learning fear. What a terrible world that would be, I thought, if we could only become adults by learning to close ourselves off from the things that have the greatest potential to hurt us.

I was terribly vulnerable at that moment, and I remain so. I’ve learned fear and I wake up every morning to nightmare images that play on my eyelids and never really go away, but God help me, the first night I stayed over you woke me up from running in my sleep and told me that I’d be okay, that you’d keep me safe. Nobody else ever did that. And in three days I’ll be coming home to you every day, and at the risk of sounding trite, I can’t think of anything I want more. And I will still be afraid, but I’ll be brave. By myself and with you.

When my mother asks I tell her she should sell our house, now that Sam’s gone and I’m gone and she’ll be gone half the time anyway. And it’s pointlessly expensive to keep a house that size for one person But I don’t know.

I’m afraid of reaching the point where I can’t even pretend to go back. And it’ll be hard when my house really isn’t my house anymore - when someone else answers the front door, when someone else sleeps in the room I grew up in.

All of this is difficult. I wonder how people do it, and stay healthy.

Posted on August 28th, 2008 by Amanda
Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

One of my girls from last summer who I’m still in contact with (I met up with a bunch of the kids from last summer - the ones I’ve emailed back and forth with over the year - for lunch last month) is engaging in all kinds of self-destructive behaviors and advertising them on Facebook. Binge drinking, smoking, questionable sexual encounters (bear in mind, she’s fifteen), cutting - as far as I can tell, all in order to irritate an ex-boyfriend and attract some (much sketchier, I’m thinking) other guy.

And clearly, this isn’t any of my business, except that posting it all over Facebook makes it my business.

And, you know, it’s really difficult as someone who is a responsible adult (or at least as someone who plays that role) to not say anything. But really, what is there to say that wouldn’t backfire?

Posted on August 24th, 2008 by Amanda
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* Deposit some checks (from graduation, plus a mystery check from Pomona)
* Have lunch with Dad and Sam, who are driving through on the way to take Sam to college at Ithaca
* Show my mom around the neighborhood we’re moving to, in order to reassure her that we’re not going to get mugged all the time
* Take Mom to dinner and (unbeknownst to her) “Jersey Boys” for her birthday
* Collect money from Sam for “Jersey Boys” tickets
* Figure out where Liz’s bridal shower is tomorow
* Mail some stuff

OK!

Posted on August 22nd, 2008 by Amanda
Filed under: lists | 1 Comment »

From here: Drivers moving to Illinois may use their valid driver’s license from their home state or country for 90 days. […] If you have a valid driver’s license from another state or country, you may use it to drive in Illinois throughout your stay (if you do not plan to become a permanent resident of this state).

What does “permanent” mean? I don’t “plan” to live in Illinois permanently, necessarily, so am I exempt from getting a new driver’s license? That is incredibly ambiguous. Couldn’t anybody, if asked, just say that they weren’t “planning” to stay here forever and therefore didn’t shell out $10 for an Illinois license?

Posted on August 21st, 2008 by Amanda
Filed under: chicago | No Comments »

The Salton Sea made the frigging Chicago Tribune today.

And you know I’m going to mourn for the desert once they hurt it.

If there was one thing that tempted me to stay in California, the Mojave was it. My childhood attachment to it notwithstanding, it’s a beautiful place that ought to be kept that way. A lot of my resentment of southern California’s urban areas stems from the toll they take on places most Los Angeles denizens have never heard of, much less visited. Like the water diverted from the Colorado River - it’s easy for your coastal lawmaker to ignore the Imperial Valley, where the population is small and poor, in favor of the pseudo-urban sprawl that runs from San Diego to L.A. And of course you sometimes have to make concessions, of course sometimes the many prosper at the expense of the few - but not here. Not when there are other solutions.

Like how the conservationist “favors cities building solar plants on warehouse roofs, for example, but the utilities say the desert’s geothermal fields provide a steady stream of power and do not rely on weather conditions as solar and wind power do.”

COME ON. THINK ABOUT WHERE YOU ARE. Solar power might be a shitty solution for Seattle and Chicago, but I’m pretty sure Los Angeles can handle it. (And San Diego? Seriously.) It’s our own damn fault for building these cities in such stupid places, and I hate that the desert is going to pay for our mistakes.

And you know what else irritates me? Everybody ignores the desert until it can help out the coast. The looming environmental disaster that is the Salton Sea? Nobody thought about it much until somebody realized it could help power Los Angeles. The poverty that’s rampant throughout the Imperial Valley and in parts of the Coachella? No one’s ever demonstrated an interest in finding solutions to that problem, even now that they’re looking that direction. Forget the Joshua trees; the desert is growing dollar signs.

Posted on August 18th, 2008 by Amanda
Filed under: california, politics and news | 3 Comments »

Now that we know where we’re living, I am devoted to finding a few things that will potentially breed a social life or at least give me something to do after work:

* A nice, reasonably (not creepily, like the Claremont churches) liberal United Methodist church; preferably one with a choir. This church looks promising, plus it has some discussion groups that look really interesting.

* A book club - there is a branch library (a big one - it’s open on Sundays!!!) a block from the apartment, which is the best news ever, but it doesn’t seem to have much in the way of adult groups. However, there is a really cool bookstore about half a mile away that has really good book clubs (according to Yelp, anyway).

Any other ideas?

Posted on August 18th, 2008 by Amanda
Filed under: chicago | 1 Comment »

So, after a LOT of looking around at various apartments, we have found one that more-or-less meets our needs.

What we found, which I’m sure will surprise no one, is that we had to pick between location and size. The very first place we looked at was HUGE and really nice (dishwasher, big bedrooms, nice bathroom), but in the middle of nowhere. The next was huge but sort of sketchy, and also in a sort of sketchy neighborhood, which got it crossed off the list quickly. The next few pretty much followed the same pattern - looking at all the same price range (between $1050 and $1200 for a two-bedroom apartment), the better the area, the smaller the space. And particularly as folks who are picky about some stuff (no ground-floor apartments - we got broken into Friday night, boy have we learned our lesson - and we wanted a spacious kitchen because we cook all the time), we ended up needing to settle.

So the place we found (for which, if all goes well, we’ll be signing the lease tomorrow) is in a super location, about a half-mile from the el, ten feet from the bus, and a block from the Jewel. It’s a nice area with lots of families (not our scene, admittedly, but we were trying to avoid the Lakeview post-frat scene, and plus lots of families means it’s pretty safe and also might lend to some babysitting (read moneymaking) opportunities for me), restaurants, bars, coffee shops, a big park with nice tennis courts…After seeing some sort of mediocre areas we were really excited that our budget could actually get us something somewhere nice.

Of course, the trade-off is that it’s pretty small. It has a lot of nice features (cool landlord, good-sized bedrooms, a biiiig pantry, a back porch and patio, padlocked storage space in the basement, brand-new appliances, a lovely bay window!), but really. Pretty small. And there are three of us, but we are all pretty chill roommates, and our thinking was basically that we’ll all have full-time jobs and will therefore not spend all that much time getting in each others’ way. Plus, we have similar expectations - we’re all neat but not fanatical, we all like to cook, we have reasonably similar tastes in TV/music/etc. (so no one’s going to be horribly audibly offended), none of us are big partiers, etc.

In any case, this is certainly a good start to being a grown-up. Now to find a job…

Posted on August 17th, 2008 by Amanda
Filed under: chicago | 1 Comment »

So the ant traps have finally proven effective, which is good news. (Although, creepy: there was a cicada in Nick’s room the other day. Yuck, yuck, yuck.)

I’ve been offered a job, and I have interviews for two more coming up, which is all good stuff. We’ll be in Chicago for the forseeable future, also good; we’re going up to Milwaukee (to watch the Brewers-Nationals game) tomorrow and then heading up to Appleton for a few days. It’ll be great. I can see folks, get some sleep, and watch “What Not To Wear”. All the time.

Posted on August 7th, 2008 by Amanda
Filed under: Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Today at CVS I bought some ant traps, and I have placed them strategically around my room (they are coming in through the window, for the most part, but it’s eight million degrees here so I can’t shut it). So far, the ants do not appear to be very interested in the traps. They still seem singlemindedly (literally) dedicated to hanging out by/on my desk. Annoying.

Note to self: Find apartment without bug problem.

(Of course, there is all kinds of madness re: apartment-finding, largely because in order to do so I would have to know who’s sticking around. Maybe Emily, maybe even Valerie in the short term, so I don’t know if I’m looking for a one-, two-, or three-bedroom apartment. Or, like, how long a lease we need. Because if it’s just me and Nick, we can sort of stick around indefinitely or just sublet if we decide to move, but if Emily were to stay just through the election, it would get more complicated. Really, everyone ought to just move to Chicago. Everyone who comes to visit us decides they want to move here, too, which is I think a compelling argument in favor of my belief that Chicago is the best city in the country. Seriously. Move here with us! Rent is cheap, for a big city; public transportation is thorough if not always efficient; and the Cubs are hella good this season. Oh also we are awesome, and want everyone we like to move here. And then we can start a commune, and I’ll cook everybody dinner a lot. Yum!)

Posted on July 28th, 2008 by Amanda
Filed under: Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

So my apartment, though quite nice, does seem to have a bug problem. I’ve noticed the ants and assorted flying things for a while, but they didn’t really bother me that much - the ants mostly hung out on the windowsill, and the flying things sleep at the same time as I do, so it’s not like they’re buzzing around when I’m trying to nap.

Then yesterday morning I woke up to find a bunch of little red bites on my stomach. I’ve had many a mosquito bite over the past few weeks - it is the midwest - but alas, these more closely resembled the bedbug/flea bites I got in Manchester a couple of years ago. Small, red, itchy, and clustered.

Anyway: I resent bedbugs. I really love sleeping, and anything that makes me less gung-ho about going to bed is terrible. And like, it’s not really worth hiring an exterminator because I’m leaving at the end of August anyway. So I guess I will wash my sheets in really hot water and hope that helps at least a little. Or start sleeping on the couch. Or sleep on Nick’s bunk bed. (Yep, he has a bunk bed. HOW AWESOME.)

After a stressful couple of weeks it seems that things may work out OK, though, bedbugs aside. This is the place to be.

Posted on July 19th, 2008 by Amanda
Filed under: Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Seriously, ask me about it.

Posted on July 17th, 2008 by Amanda
Filed under: work | 1 Comment »

Look, I don’t ever endorse violence. Violence is bad.

But I have to tell you: If someone were to, say, burn down Julaine Appling’s house, or steal her wallet, or punch her really really hard and break her nose, I would applaud.

This is the most insane thing I have ever read, and I have done a lot of reading in my day. And of course the reasonable people - even the people who supported that hideous marriage amendment - all scoff at the idea of actually prosecuting anybody for getting married.

But dude, somebody needs to do something about Julaine Appling. Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with people.

Posted on July 10th, 2008 by Amanda
Filed under: politics and news, wisconsin | No Comments »

I was very excited when we woke up this morning, because for once it was sunny and beautiful and not even too warm or humid. Plus, we had all kinds of plans - meeting one of Nick’s friends in Andersonville for lunch, I thought I was going to this music thing (which turns out to be tomorrow, because…I can’t read), there is this art fair in Evanston…etc. Plus I was going to do laundry, which is a silly thing to do if it’s raining.

So anyway we had lunch, and it was still beautiful, and then we got on the train to go home and it started to storm. Rain, thunder, etc.; a good midwestern summer storm. In four years in California I never heard thunder, and I’ve kind of missed it, except I’d forgotten how quickly it comes on. Like, when it rains in southern California, the sky is broadcasting it for days beforehand. Here you could be at the beach getting a tan (or, in my case, a sunburn) and a few minutes later there’s a tornado.

I think I missed that while I was away.

But you know I’m all moved in, my apartment is nice, my roommates are nice, my job should be A-OK, and if you’re at all inclined to visit I’d be pleased as punch to have you.

Posted on June 28th, 2008 by Amanda
Filed under: chicago | No Comments »

and I am very happy because I’m living in a great apartment on a great street; I have a great job that starts in a week; I’m going to see Sam, the Bov, and Claire this weekend; I spent last night hanging out in an Irish pub drinking Magners and watching a bunch of old dudes (and Emily!) have a trad session; and my awesome boyfriend will be here in less than a week.

Seriously. My life is awesome.

Posted on June 18th, 2008 by Amanda
Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

Peas were very small things in comparison with most other objects in the galaxy.

…

yep.

Posted on June 17th, 2008 by Amanda
Filed under: fandom | 1 Comment »